RWAC's PFS log (on the TEI train)

[RebelWithACause]

How many days you are off supps right now?

12 days

 

[raven]

Yup a lot of people in PFS/PAS/PSSD seem to experience similar things.

In the beginning I don't think I noticed this. I acted on impulses 24/7. Had no self consciousness almost. Animalistic/survivalist. That is why I don't remember almost anything from finasteride and beginning of PFS. It was on automatic trying to survive.

Things from before finasteride I remember well. Especially things in my early teens (12-15). Sometimes I remember them like yesterday. The friends I had back then, videogames I played and the people I played against online, girls I was talking to, sports I was playing, etc.

Maybe if you get a bit better you start becoming more aware of what is going on. At this point I don't know I am too confused to even make sense of what is going on. It is like a bug in the human system.

Instead of being your own mental point of origin you are sitting in the passenger seat. You experience all the things a human experience but it is like you see it as a second person. The person is not you anymore it is something on it's own and you are looking at what it's doing.

Yea it is crazy. But I read on that wiki that a lot of people with psychological issues experience it. PFS/PAS/PSSD all give obvious psychological issues so not strange that your brain sometimes goes a bit crazy.

Yes exactly, in the deepest fog there is no perspective, you are forced to live in the present because the mind can't even access memory, or imagination. Then the memory starts flowing in, which for me was a relief but it also led to me seeing more clearly how bad a shape was in, and it also came with anxieties as I felt more inadequate due to this knowledge.

I think a lot of it is becoming over-analytical too, I have spent so much time picking apart my brain that it is almost like I am viewing myself through a lens in a lab, which I think is similar to the derealisation you described

 

[RebelWithACause]

Yes exactly, in the deepest fog there is no perspective, you are forced to live in the present because the mind can't even access memory, or imagination. Then the memory starts flowing in, which for me was a relief but it also led to me seeing more clearly how bad a shape was in, and it also came with anxieties as I felt more inadequate due to this knowledge.

I think a lot of it is becoming over-analytical too, I have spent so much time picking apart my brain that it is almost like I am viewing myself through a lens in a lab, which I think is similar to the derealisation you described

I think both are different (PSSD & PFS) but because they have a big impact on your wellbeing the outcome is similar.

In PSSD you have no anxiety right? 0%?

PFS is opposite, most guys have crazy high anxiety all the time.

In PSSD depersonalisation could be lack of anxiety that causes it maybe. A lot of PSSD guys also say they have no emotions.

In PFS people also have no emotions but I think it is caused by 2 things: estrogen does not work and the fact you are anxious all the time. You feel like going crazy all the time.

In PFS I think it is the high anxiety all the time, overthinking, negative thoughts etc. your brain is like a feminine brain but you still want to be masculine. So you are fighting this femininity 24/7.

Especially in the beginning it is like you are a woman w/ PMS or a woman with menopause. It is disturbing if you are a masculine guy before PFS.

I still deal with it somewhat but a lot less. It is controllable and I am much more masculine than I was in the beginning of PFS.

 

[raven]

I think both are different (PSSD & PFS) but because they have a big impact on your wellbeing the outcome is similar.

In PSSD you have no anxiety right? 0%?

PFS is opposite, most guys have crazy high anxiety all the time.

In PSSD depersonalisation could be lack of anxiety that causes it maybe. A lot of PSSD guys also say they have no emotions.

In PFS people also have no emotions but I think it is caused by 2 things: estrogen does not work and the fact you are anxious all the time. You feel like going crazy all the time.

In PFS I think it is the high anxiety all the time, overthinking, negative thoughts etc. your brain is like a feminine brain but you still want to be masculine. So you are fighting this femininity 24/7.

Especially in the beginning it is like you are a woman w/ PMS or a woman with menopause. It is disturbing if you are a masculine guy before PFS.

I still deal with it somewhat but a lot less. It is controllable and I am much more masculine than I was in the beginning of PFS.

I didn't know about the differences. In the first year there was very little anxiety, now there is much more. But yes with PSSD it is more flatness, empty headedness, initially I felt more masculine in some ways as I could always be stoic in any situation, but it was not a confident masculinity based off strength, just one of emptiness.

 

[RebelWithACause]

I didn't know about the differences. In the first year there was very little anxiety, now there is much more. But yes with PSSD it is more flatness, empty headedness, initially I felt more masculine in some ways as I could always be stoic in any situation, but it was not a confident masculinity based off strength, just one of emptiness.

Hmm interesting. Sounds kinda similar to PFS.

Fuck these drugs, son.

 

[barbaar]

Did a 24 hour fast today instead of 16/8 IF. Can't say I felt great. I do well with 16/8 IF but 24 hours is too long for me. Maybe because I am a fast oxidiser. 16/8 seems to be perfect eating style for me. I will go back to normal eating (grazing) when I am on TEI.

Anyways moving forward I am going to do a third TEI cycle but I do want to see some good results. I am not trying to be impatient but you need to know when to quit.

I am seeing improvements and I am grateful for that but when I have a downswing all of that is gone. It is not stable yet. In these downswings it seems like I am still at the same spot or even going backward.

One thing I notice is my vision very blurry. For the longest time I thought it was normal but it is insane. Like you are not alive. It is not like my vision is bad, it is just as if I am inside my eyes looking through. Instead of my eyes displaying the actual image. Like you are dreaming. I also have bad short term memory and my personality is just gone it seems. I don't even know what to believe about myself anymore, who I am, etc.

I think TEI is making me more aware of all this shit which is why I am frustrated and it hits me harder than before. I was really far away lol - Probably 20% alive on automatic mode. I thought I was healed at one point - on pure delusion.

This is also why I am confused. I made myself believe I was better. What the fuck was wrong with me. I am really confused at the moment. It is hard to explain the feeling. I don't understand myself anymore. It is like I do not control who I am and what I do. I became a weird automaton.

I don't even remember the time I was on finasteride or in the beginning of PFS. It looks like a distant dream.

I look for things to obsess about so I don't have to think about my own life problems. I was never like this. I have become so weak and no character. It is frustrating to see.

This is why it is hard to say how much progress I make. In a sense I am more aware of everything about myself and my life. But this also makes me feel shittier by seeing it.

Maybe I am also still going through some changes. I had a similar experience after the first cycle. For the first 2 weeks I felt really weird and WORSE than on the cycle. Derealised and then in the third week I felt better.

I think this is called depersonalisation when I think about it. Depersonalization - Wikipedia

Dude yeah this is totally dp/dr. Mine got really bad when I was on ARL some time ago. Dim, blurry vision, feeling like you're dreaming, bad memory, no personality. Fun stuff. Could be a healing reaction I guess?

 

[sanka]

Its amazing, like you are in a video simulator

 

[RebelWithACause]

Dude yeah this is totally dp/dr. Mine got really bad when I was on ARL some time ago. Dim, blurry vision, feeling like you're dreaming, bad memory, no personality. Fun stuff. Could be a healing reaction I guess?

I think so man. Today waking up I feel better already. Yesterday was really bad for some reason. Started thinking about everything in my life. Maybe I do need a practitioner to hold my hand HAHA. Anyways I will just start the third cycle and just keep going.

These downswings are really weird. It feels like you come to a climax: all symptoms are really fucking bad and you become aware of it as well. Then slowly that problem becomes less and less. Pretty much exactly what Dr. Wilson describes in healing reactions.

I guess the more experience you get with this program the more you can see when you have a healing reaction. So I am guessing it will be easier the longer I do this.

 

[Goose12]

I think so man. Today waking up I feel better already. Yesterday was really bad for some reason. Started thinking about everything in my life. Maybe I do need a practitioner to hold my hand HAHA. Anyways I will just start the third cycle and just keep going.

These downswings are really weird. It feels like you come to a climax: all symptoms are really fucking bad and you become aware of it as well. Then slowly that problem becomes less and less. Pretty much exactly what Dr. Wilson describes in healing reactions.

I guess the more experience you get with this program the more you can see when you have a healing reaction. So I am guessing it will be easier the longer I do this.

Eventually you will look forward to the healing reactions because you realize it's working and you can't wait to see the next high in your baseline. It's just like CD's description of a roller coaster.

I can see were a practitioner could be really helpful just for encouragement, especially in the beginning.

 

[RebelWithACause]

Eventually you will look forward to the healing reactions because you realize it's working and you can't wait to see the next high in your baseline. It's just like CD's description of a roller coaster.

I can see were a practitioner could be really helpful just for encouragement, especially in the beginning.

Yes I think a practitioner can be helpful if they are good.

I just bitch for 1 day on this log and then I am doing OK again. It does not last long for me. It is short and intense and then it is a bit better. Plus good night sleep helps a lot.

Just gotta keep going that is pretty much the way to do it.

Today I am very tired again when the morning was done.

I think this round put me in a (temporary) unbalanced state. I am guessing they focussed hard on fixing a certain imbalance and now that is gone and you get the actual energy underneath. Which is not a lot.

I will go sleep early tonight again and get up early.

 

[Helen]

The log is your practitioner LMAO

it is better to write here than to write to a practitioner, since in 2 days you will feel embarrassed what you wrote.
I wrote incredibly stupid bullshit when i started ARL , still feel bad about it. And the practitioner was such a sensitive sissy guy, I just crushed him with my sick energy LMAO

after me he quit being a practitioner . It sucked, and even after apologizing to him many times he still never doing it again.

I wish I had this forum then

 

[TubZy]

Sometimes I get in this flow of writing and I just write everything but it does not contain everything and after I read it, it makes sense but not 100%. Missing links.

You are slowly morphing into @MNK99.

I wish you the best....we should all use @MNK99 as our "acting" practioner. Kid can talk about anything at any given time, any subject, you get a reply #nodaysoff

 

[Trump_1776]

I think both are different (PSSD & PFS) but because they have a big impact on your wellbeing the outcome is similar.

In PSSD you have no anxiety right? 0%?

PFS is opposite, most guys have crazy high anxiety all the time.

In PSSD depersonalisation could be lack of anxiety that causes it maybe. A lot of PSSD guys also say they have no emotions.

In PFS people also have no emotions but I think it is caused by 2 things: estrogen does not work and the fact you are anxious all the time. You feel like going crazy all the time.

In PFS I think it is the high anxiety all the time, overthinking, negative thoughts etc. your brain is like a feminine brain but you still want to be masculine. So you are fighting this femininity 24/7.

Especially in the beginning it is like you are a woman w/ PMS or a woman with menopause. It is disturbing if you are a masculine guy before PFS.

I still deal with it somewhat but a lot less. It is controllable and I am much more masculine than I was in the beginning of PFS.

I think as well that estrogen does not work in PFS. My "feelings" didn't come back online until after my first 4 andro cycle.

 

[Nina]

The log is your practitioner LMAO

it is better to write here than to write to a practitioner, since in 2 days you will feel embarrassed what you wrote.
I wrote incredibly stupid bullshit when i started ARL , still feel bad about it. And the practitioner was such a sensitive sissy guy, I just crushed him with my sick energy LMAO

after me he quit being a practitioner . It sucked, and even after apologizing to him many times he still never doing it again.

I wish I had this forum then

Says a lot about him as a person...

 

[RebelWithACause]

The log is your practitioner LMAO

it is better to write here than to write to a practitioner, since in 2 days you will feel embarrassed what you wrote.
I wrote incredibly stupid bullshit when i started ARL , still feel bad about it. And the practitioner was such a sensitive sissy guy, I just crushed him with my sick energy LMAO

after me he quit being a practitioner . It sucked, and even after apologizing to him many times he still never doing it again.

I wish I had this forum then

If noone explained me this stuff before I would of went crazy IRL probably. Now I just write crazy stuff. And yes some of the things I wrote/write is embarrassing lol. It is like when you are drunk you do all this stupid shit and then you wake up and are like fuck I just destroyed the whole house.

It is weirder because there is no drugs involved nothing. You see how much minerals have an affect on the mind and the way you view the world. I guess it is also frustration coming out when you are sick. You get angry fast and resentful. Not good but sometimes you got to let it out. I guess TEI improves your energy and you get angry. Because you were angry before.

I try to control it but it changes your perception for a while. So you keep doing what you normally do (visit Hackstasis for example) but then you write all this shit haha.

You are slowly morphing into @MNK99.

I wish you the best....we should all use @MNK99 as our "acting" practioner. Kid can talk about anything at any given time, any subject, you get a reply #nodaysoff

Thanks man. I told MNK99 this before he should write a book lol. Would buy.

 

[RebelWithACause]

I think as well that estrogen does not work in PFS. My "feelings" didn't come back online until after my first 4 andro cycle.

Yea a lot of the symptoms are low estrogen. It is at least a part of it I think. If Finasteride lowered a cascade of hormones by lowering NADPH it means it affected estrogen, DHT, and more hormones. The thread by Helen explained it pretty well.

 

[raven]

Yea a lot of the symptoms are low estrogen. It is at least a part of it I think. If Finasteride lowered a cascade of hormones by lowering NADPH it means it affected estrogen, DHT, and more hormones. The thread by Helen explained it pretty well.

We had a PSSD cure with Estrogen + DHT, also there was a study with rats who had PSSD making full recoveries with the same combination. Increased risk of breast cancer though, not many have replicated.

 

[RebelWithACause]

We had a PSSD cure with Estrogen + DHT, also there was a study with rats who had PSSD making full recoveries with the same combination. Increased risk of breast cancer though, not many have replicated.

Yea I read it before. I think this is a stilt and not good for you in the long run. I think it bypasses everything so you get the end result (feel good, normal) but the whole process before it is not fixed. You 22, imagine doing that for 30+ years, that can't be good.

 

[barbaar]

We had a PSSD cure with Estrogen + DHT, also there was a study with rats who had PSSD making full recoveries with the same combination. Increased risk of breast cancer though, not many have replicated.

Wait there was an actual cure? Or just a really good bandaid?

 

[raven]

Yea I read it before. I think this is a stilt and not good for you in the long run. I think it bypasses everything so you get the end result (feel good, normal) but the whole process before it is not fixed. You 22, imagine doing that for 30+ years, that can't be good.

Agreed, it is more of a last resort option for me, as the rat study did seem to leave a permanent cure