--im cutting getting leaner, i logged ok im out bye. I worry a lot... about past and not living up to my potential. And Also disability.. and I can't see how to explain things to new friends, but yeah I mean im hiding my brace at gym... under my hoodie. and anyways i wish i could have opened up before... and asked for help when i needed it. and not have not taken any ADHD medicine for like 2 yrs and no androgens, pfs treatment like 4 5yrs . it was stupid. test and dex solve a lot. so does weed. so does... this other shyt, ostarine.. taping and bracing. i mean test cream.
Love i just want to be strong, mobile, safe, and happy. and mentally well. I want to be able to recognize social cues better and also I mean know when ppl like me and not run away from everyone. im shy, it's fucking hard. and i look intimidating at times and im strong and then ppl see me weak.. and i feel crippled and i cant trust ppl.
and i dont want to get hurt physically, nor emotionally. i needed help with the trauma 5-6 yrs ago even 7 10 15 18 yrs ago probably. found out about ketamine ill find next steps to get treatment here i did that breifly... anyways id be so happy if I could have opened up then and made relationships more... and id have continued treating pfs, Marek's 4-5yrs ago.. or at lst herbs first.. and also id be done school forever. bc theyd help me study, but this bitchy gay kid got in the way (bc he is a dbag not cuz he's gay). And I mean I needed to tell ppl i can't take the vax. lost so m time bc of illnes and chronic health conditions.
i like carniv bc i don't need to use the washroom and can instantly drop fat and water. but i mean ive been ripped before and will be/ but i want to be happy i was so close to it. ill fill my life with love. ill fucking have spiritual encounters with interdimensional beings and use ketamine, later MDMA. I want to heal.
So that I can feel loved. I don't understand why people can't just "understand me"/"get me", without having to talk to them and explain things. I don't understand why they don't just get EDS/HSD, or CPTSD.. or like pfs pssd scientists docs did zero about it basically. I mean wtf. I was literally perfect as i can be minus hair and perfect age to get married and start doctorate a few yrs ago, this fucking pandemic and lockdown ruined my life, as did the gay vax. I fixed everything, ill still be traumatized and have anxiety.. and hEDS/HSD. ADHD too but I don't care too too much except that ADHD + hEDS can literally kill you * but staying sober or only good drugs and having some stim/ androgen/ choline/ etc on hand can help. I hate feeling high with weed and having joint instability worsened at times, esp when I'm suffering from high anxiety.
I got really high doses yesterday bc I was chilling, then ate carbs, then got depressed later and now bad anxiety... ill make 10-20k at lst. in a mo or so.. that is good, that is like a yr takehome for some ppl, btwn that and last wk.. and later a lot more. and i just want to make time that is why i want money. anyways... im not desperate for anything nor anyone. but i deserved to be done school already and also i would have been happy with one of those 2 women, and they could saved my life. and helped me deal with trauma and heds/hsd, and tell me not to take the vax and understand why. even injured doing nothing, random women asked me out in that condo. next time i move i have to rmemeber all this trauma, almost dying in last condo before that. and this is too much. there's too many that things that have happened to me. i feel like damaged goods but im not. im cursed, it's just how it is for a Pisces. I'm getting older i dont have time to get hurt.. i just want to make 1-2mn takehome like live off interest 100k. and do school if i want it but make up for lsot time.
a bit confused and working on life at 30 25 is fine.. but i mean i look younger. when ready to date more and seriously ill get 27 30 25 year olds and i mean i can't fucking explain things to anyone let alone someone too young. idk there are a lot of smart and responsible and understanding women out there, but I mean i want them to know.. but know that mostly im all fine.
i will regrow hair and get leaner and more ripped so that i can act stupid and still get women.
but what matters is the insidde.
but trauma doesn't let u show what's inside.
i need ketamine.
and i need steel tendons and collagen and joints. I don't think the latter one is even possible.
I need to go back in time. To 2019.. and get really rich pre covid crash and keep all my BTC, and get ketamine.. and use it.. then hide 4-5mo study for test.. then go and live.
i couldn't live it up with law school and learning to trade.. that nitemare and all that other stuff. i felt cured but had some issues but then... i mean i got really sick again yrs later.. and i didn't treat pfs nor ADHD bc i was depressed but not treating ADHD will depress u like fuck. idk what the fuck.
I can't afford self destruction and I need to stay young forever. Otherwise I can't be happy.
I need someone to save my life. Love will save me.
But it's a cruel world and people are mean. And I get in trouble like anytime I go anywhere, unless I'm high or something... even then probably at times.
But I stay low key and I'm secretive and mysterious and people try and get to know me. But they don't understand I want to get to know someone, when I have the time...
and when It is all night when i can stay up all night. If I didn't get sick, I'd spend more time with my Toronto friends.
I live in a dictatorship. I needed things younger... and I needed to avoid the trauma and I needed to fix mental health stuff younger.
And I needed a meat only diet as a child, then I'd be perfect.
My feet are bad and my arms are longer than my height...
My eyebrows and eyelashes are thinner than they were years ago like 10-11 yrs ago. Since dexedrine and the vyvanse, adderall briefly.
ANyways, I want to look good and I will and I do but I can look better.
And I want to be able to say the things that I want.
I will get leaner, slightly taller, and whiten my teeth, and I will fix what I can of the connective tissue, and I will regrow my hair.
And I will make money, and take care of life. I probably won't get taller actually nor regrow all my hair maybe some or just prevent loss and get FUES.
But Erase my trauma... i thought we were friends.
Why are you doing this to me??!!
LOVE is supposed to save everything, but you need COLD CALCULATING LOGIC.
I used to hide my clumsiness and was fast like a cat, with the reflexes (probably still am mostly, but sure I need to train and get faster).
I was hiding the way my neck moved and swaying upper torso, that was a fucking disability what the fuck?
I feel too intensely or I'm dead inside. I need to be able to make myself vulnerable but I need to lose my shyness. I'm a cool as fuck guy, but I mean like yeah strength training makes me more confident again and working out despite disability. It isn't too late for me, I'll never get depressed a year again/ Medicines will get better in the future and I am still young. I will catch up in life and I can still have kids... and like I should already have them.. I met women that could have saved me and they tried some of them but they are shy too many o them, or they were alpha as fuck, and I just can't hangout with 30-40 ppl and I can't act like everything is ok. I can be popular but to be friends with a really attractive girl that is new is one thing, but someone who is the alpha at downtown and stuff, like ok i can be cool but i need drugs to act normal but they make me too robotic, then i need other stuff... and they spike dopamine too much.
I am just trying to be healthy, stay strong.. and fix trauma, and never get hurt, sick, nor emotionally destroyed again.
Ill help ppl with podcast whatever, ill fucking do yoga classes at next condo, whatever.. ill force myself to stare and look at ppl when they talk to me, and ill get the number of women first time i meet them, even 11/`0 two women come to mind, i gave them my number lol and it is east coast area code.. and i live in west. It is a Toronto phone number.
I look like a gangster. Everything about me seems sketchy but Im congruent and aligned. I am a professional but I don't know if I can act, write, trade, do law school, and like have a podcast all at once.
I need popular women to help with that bs above but I need love for the stuff that matters (not friend, but a wife, not just a random bang), I need someone to help me interface with society. I'll tell them the truth and help them too. But I need to erase trauma fast.
I could have had a perfect life at 25 if some financial decisions were done differently and medical treatment just rejecting it and the testing for hEDS/HSD was better and all that... and like ADHD was treated then... anyways at lst i know treating ADHD, fertility, hEDS/hSD, or even a cough... like whatever happens to me, even if I got some mild cancer sometime, I can take care of it with ADHD medicine.
I need money to keep me safe... I need to be strong to keep me safe. I can save others... but who will save me?