MNK's Log. PSSD Recov 12-18mo 10', PFS recov 11m-16mo 18’. hEDS/AuDHD/Markets.

[MNK99]

Mon Mar 12:
-Supps: Mag Citrate, 2 shots of weak espresso (Nescafe), and some dandelion tea. -Haircut barber.
-1-R-andro taken separately from that. 1 more late for 200mg.
-300mg just for today as it's rest day, see if it helps strength gains or whateverz.
-diet: 1 vegan protein shake + inulin. 1 whey+spinach+0.5banana shake, some sea salt butter 4pm. Dinner - whatever.
-some butter, a piece of garlic cuz I got stressed. Stress-eating. Didn't help - hurts my stomach.

-3. some veg broth, added cilantro, garlic, and some spinach. 4. Italian Meatball Soup - meatballs, spinach, cilantro, garlic, ginger, veg broth.
5. More of that, 6. A beef patty, arugula, some other salad, some small potatoes, and one piece of chicken. 2450 cals max 130-140gp/75gc, the rest fat... or I'm way off on cals, I doubt it. Fat lots, carbs not much. 250g beef burger + 15-20 meatballs (frozen), that's like 900 cals max, lots of fat gone, shakes 600, olive oil butter 300... so 1900-
-Alternate Day Fast 3-4 days a week 500 cals or less, this way I can get lean and stronger, recomp with R-andro (ideally... this may not happen). Just spinach and whey and

-added some juice so it's like 2450cals or 2500. So 500-1000 cals or so tmro. Ideally 700.
--exercise: Walked 30mins in the frozen wasteland done @2.45pm.
-Weight 190lb. WTF. I look leaner than i did before I started working out again in 2016, but worse than my gains... and better I guess than on finasteride and after.
-I purchased (online) 2 4-Andro's (kept it under $100 USD), some MSM, some Milk Thistle, and some KCl I forgot about.
-187.7lb real weight. -And some shirts. -No more health shopping for a bit.
-Digestion a bit better now, 12.53. definitely look leaner then. -I doubt I need much 4 Andro, so I'll stack that with 200mg (and taper upwards) of R-Andro.

-ONCE I'm LEANER and less WATER RETN and DIGESTION IS FIXED, --> I'll be on my way out of this, the worst symptoms will be gone. Lower cortisol also (fast train).
-I am waiting on: milk thistle + msm + 4-andro + ru + ARL hair test results

-I'll take LDN later in the future, as long as I got the cash and reason to. I won't take progesterone... unless I do it impulsively, probably will not.
***-FIX MY DIGESTION --> concentrate on making money so much easier.*** Magnesium Citrate, milk of magnesia... R-andro et. al aren't making it better just yet.
-Skinny and good digestion = better work and focus. (Inv = $ money).

 

[MNK99]

Future Update :
Not yet, waiting for it.
In short: Significantly improved since Winter 2017. I didn't think it was possible for a time.

-Also "The Law Of Diminishing Returns".
-Emotion and motivation are (of course) intrinsically tied. So sexual drive coming back full force, means motivation in all other aspects of life is there too.

-I may amend my diet to: eat moderately less than usual (say 1600-1800 cals). and more tmro (2500+) when I workout again, and Sat too (2500+ cals).
-I will be taking 200mg R-andro still.
-ADF 1200-1400 cals (rest days) and 2500-2800 (on workout days). I won't stay so low for too long.

-I'll keep waiting for ru486 and my hair test results.
-6.26pm: Minor update -
-Back to saying "Who the fuck is this?!" when I look at missed calls/messages on my smartphone. A good sign, bc that's my norm.
-A calmer response would be nice also. Not bad.
-185.6lb not bad. Not fat, not the leanest, not too far away. 10 or so pounds, or 5 lb, and several lb LBM I'd improve and leanness/digestion too.
-bosu ball etc at home. Rest legs from wts.

I wonder what my oxidation type is:
-It will probably say slow or mixed.

I used to push things too far, and maybe changed oxidation to fast and was a bit fast post weight loss yrs ago, faster later and leaner but thru work.

However, I'm pretty sure the lazy 15 year old me was quite different than the couldn't sleep for a week 26 year old me.
I didn't workout almost a year - it was horrible. First time since Effexor it has ever been close too that long.

MEMO: Sell Coffee for guy back in NY, thru Desi connxn.

-ALSO: Focus as well as I can for now on my project. Don't leave it till it's too late. Whatever you do, do not wait til last minute!!!!!!!!
-Hair's shedding again. Not cool. Less than stimulants/lamotrigine. I obviously won't start a hair drug again.

 

[snowball]

Is your hair loss due to Ella ?

Future Update :

- .... hair drug. Obviously...[/COLOR]

 

[MNK99]

Re: Hair Shedding
NAH. It was from LTG and ADDERALL 4 yrs before.
MYB turned back on but as I saw later, it's shedding from R-Andro/ 4-ANDRO, herbs. IN better health, and kept going, didn't lose much, possibly regrew post cycle a bit.

Packages in Transit:
-Creatine HCL -received at 6.40pm Sat Mar 17 -Arginine and Citrulline. -arrived 2pm Mar 18 -4-Andro - got it Mon Mar 19.
-Ru486*** --messed up somehow. I will ask for it to be resent. -Hairtest -- Come on already ***Mar 29th I should have it.***
-Deathwish Coffee 3 packs. Should get 5lb and save like $46 but that's a lot of coffee... --received at 6.40pm Sat Mar 17 -Shark Tank
-Japanese Handmade Planetarium -Bricks.

-Buy some almond milk, spinach, meat. -Get my receipt from medical office - I did whatever I needed to, just need you ppl to fucking send it.

 

[RebelWithACause]

How are you feeling on the R-Andro?

 

[MNK99]

Decent man. Not my best ever. Like I still really really want my ADD medicine but I understand others saying "wait".
I still like Ostarine way better (but that's for a different purpose). I wish I could take that too. It would mess with androgen receptors though.

-Summary of improvements:
Mood and Energy: 7 sometimes 8. Still a far cry from my normal energy.
Focus: 6-7. Sometimes pretty high, but I need to live alone and am not currently. Other things as well.
Gains: It's only been 10 days. I look stronger, but I'm stiff... need to add 4-Andro.
Digestion: Not much better, OK at times.
Face: Not improved eye-area yet.
Shedding: Some shed.
Motivation: More motivated to hit the gym and succeed. Feeling manlier / more aggressive.
Craziness: I felt literally invincible at times in life. The opposite during my worst state with Effexor and also Finasteride. I feel better,
but not invincible.

-Most troubling side effects:
-Digestion is bad, bloated. Sometimes I look thin other times look a bit overweight. With too many supps its messed up worse.
-My vision is improved as in less double vision and lag, but I want my old eyesight back.
-I also want to be fairly lean and vascular again and then leaner than I ever was. Strength gains too.
-And of course the sexual side effects -- I want to reverse all atrophy and get my normal sex drive back -mentally and physically. Like 7-8 things mentioned vaguely here.
-And the facial area of my eyes to return to normal.
-Zero dairy or yogurt, sometimes I had it thinking it would help my digestion or at least bump up my calories... no more.
Maybe activia yogurt will help.
-Fix digestion I'd be 60%, fix sexual side effects, 70%, fix eye area I'd be 80% and I'd be back on stimulants (probably will be before that).

I'm thinking ru486 1-3 pills could take me to 60% permanently and with results of a couple cycles of R-andro hopefully 70%+. This is not certain.
If ru only helped sexual sides and motivation and digestion... even just digestion to 70% I'd be well on my way.

 

[RebelWithACause]

Decent man. Not my best ever. Like I still really really want my ADD medicine but I understand others saying "wait".
I still like Ostarine way better (but that's for a different purpose). I wish I could take that too. It would mess with androgen receptors though.

Mood and Energy:
Focus:
-

OK interesting. I have used concerta when I was 21 for a few months. Withdrawals/getting back to normal took a year. For a year I had brainfog and tiredness. It's strong stuff.

Did you also experience the energy/wellbeing effects from Ostarine? I felt great on it.

 

[MNK99]

-Tentative Symptoms And Rating:
0= no improvement; 10=completely normal, improved
Editing soon. Tl;Dr at end.


My symptoms:

Mental/Neurological:

1. -Depression (severe), Loss of personality, Anxiety. current: 8, 7, 7.5, sometimes 6 and lower. Never 0-4.
2. -Mental Acuity: 7-8
3. -Outgoing/Social Anxiety: 6.5 or more. I dislike my current city. I dislike my regular city too, but I have friends there and things to do. Some solitude is good too, It'd be higher if I felt I was living in the same way as before.
4. -Brainfog (confusion) 7.5 (remember I need ADHD meds and to see more success in life, so I rate low).
5. -Anhedonia. 6-7 (not that high with BPII/stress/finances)
6. -Hard to listen to music, watch movies. Reading is not fun anymore. Better 7, even better if I had dexedrine bc I could study again.
7. -Fatigue 7... I have more energy than a lot of people, but that's below my norm. If I felt 80 or 1000 yrs old, I now feel like 5-10 yrs older than I should.
8. -emotionality --with people 7. Not the best I've been E.Q. wise, not the worst either. I'm awkward anyways... but this doesn't help.

Physical:

1. -Weight gain 7... pretty good but I was leaner and fitter I was 208lb and now 185, usually 175-180. I was 180 for weeks, but digestion is bad.
2. -vision changed after 14 years of near the same... Double vision, both eyes changed. 5-6 doesn't bother me as much.
3. -Face: Eyes are sunken in, face seems rounder. 0 to 2, maybe higher... eyes bother me, I had amazing eyes before this.
4. -I may be wrong: chin bone seems smaller. Hard to verify -- Not sure if I actually do have an issue.
5. -Pain in between knuckles on fingers and toes... Joint or bone? not sure. 8.5-9
6. -Urological/sexual symptoms 3-4 was 0 before. Thinking about sex more, improved erection quality. Unimproved testicular and o/w shrinkage.
7. -Water retention/ water weight gain. 6. If digestion/constipation is fixed, and I lean up ... better.
8. -Slower growing Facial hair 7-8 fixed mostly. I could shave after one day if my skin wasn't super sensitive.
9. -slower growing body hair: 6-8 I can't tell for sure. I prefer smooth... so It's hard to say.

Anyways, it doesn't paint the whole picture. But this is a useful exercise for me, so I took the opportunity. Also, MOOD AND FOCUS are major for me -- with or without pfs. Energy too...
Maybe 7 mood, 6.5 focus, energy 7.
-Like I said the metrics show less than what's actually happening. I don't think today is a historical 7/10, even if metrics might show that.
-Also I've had tons of bad days (stress) so I don't know.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-this is hard to tell... I feel pretty decent, but not on top of the world, and not like I can do everything as fast as I want to.
-I hope this update doesn't fuck me over somehow. Seems to be a trend, jk.
-Maybe deduct 1-2 points compared to what the average would be... because, I still don't feel that great.
-Facial returns, energy, mood, and focus... and leaness -- and yeah I'll be happier. Esp if it's done super fast.
-I still got a ways to go.
-I would have just copied @Niles' metrics but I used the same ones I had on my first post. I may do that in the future.
-It isn't as good as it sounds, or maybe I'm just kinda sad anyways with or without pfs. TBH. I got potential tho.

-I know there's several 7's and 8's but that does not mean I'm 70-80% complete. I'd say I'm more like 40-50% complete if I had to, but that could be completely wrong. Maybe 30%, maybe 55%, who really knows (rhetorical)? Maybe the average day is a 6/10.. I don't know.

-Well-being, total confidence, and mental health cannot be accounted for by the weighted sum of these numbers.

-I won't do this again for a long time, as I think it's bad luck.
-And I'll probably just steal Nile's metrics bc they may make more sense.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Future:
-ru, 4-Andro, and success* will improve my situation further.
-Fuck, I wanted to be concise on my log.
-In the future, I will make a blog on my website, so I'll edit some of the stuff I wrote here and condense it.

----
TL;DR:
I expect that I'll be 40-60% feeling at times soon enough, and more stable at 40-50%. And snapback will keep me there. And ru will push me further, and so on and so forth. What a long process.
-Today's "OKAY", but I didn't go thru everything I have in life to live an "okay" or worse life.
-What I want to describe a "perfect" day isn't possible yet. And may never be... I will uptrend till I'm better though.
-Even if I was cured tomorrow, yes I'd be "HIGH" for a short time, but the high won't stay. I need a lot more than that (outside of PFS).

-I'm taking back my health and control of my life regardless of all the negative info out there. I won't be a victim of my past nor these psychopathic pharma companies and this toxic medical system.
-I am the post drug-disorder, a virus in the system. And I will have the money, power, and respect to fuck it all up one day.
-Just Watch Me.

 

[MNK99]

So in 2 days I should get 4-andro. I may use R-andro 400mg and 4-Andro (200-400mg).
I don't know what to use for on-cycle support. I will use milk thistle for liver anyways...
And also: L-citrulline, L-Arginine (together in one capsule). Also el protocol -- with just Mg pink sea salt, spinach/greens + protein, +Betaine HCL + Enzymes
and sometimes Gelatin. I'll also use Creatine HCL if it doesn't upset my stomach. I'm not using Mg, KCl just yet until I get hair test results back... and my digestion is okay right now, I do not want to make it worse. Actually sometimes I do use Mg Citrate to help digestion (not sure if it does that much, it used to before fin).
-I'm working out at least 2 mornings a week, ow nite.. Otherwise, some bw exercises and eventually kettlebell+bosu ball + swiss ball, and similar work in mornings (energy allowing). So 7 things until I'm on PCT, then ru (1 thing then).
-I won't stop till I'm as Vascular as Kazuya and as Shredded as Jesus.

Questions:
1. What should I use for on-cycle support?
2. What should I use for PCT (TMO/Lost Empire herbs were suggested)... but which ones? I'm not going to buy 21 of them.
- I need to save money to make money (various side hustles). Savings = Investment.
- I have some small portion of 6 herbs already from before.

@IHateFin suggested these for #2. "Tribulus, Tongkat Ali, and Cistanche for the herbs. I add in some boron and Creatine and such which i have actually continued to take even on cycle of pro-hormones". @TubZy? Anyone else? Thx.

---answered by @IHateFin and @vicecaz and others. And also @Strongsupplements (below)---

 

[vicecaz]

@MNK99

Something that came into my mind when you mentioned milk thistle, it's very protective for the liver but seem to have bad effects regarding androgens :
https://academic.oup.com/carcin/article/22/9/1399/2608143

Though I'd share it, it was discussed on swolesource too

I don't know about PCT herbs, they're all great; how many can you buy?
Good luck on your cycle!

 

[MNK99]

True @vicecaz, I've seen that and there are some things which I can replace it with (I need to search my PM's). Maybe Livercare was the name of 1 of them. I did recover from Effexor, and I think a big part of it (may have been coincidental) was Milk Thistle... at least the liver damage/ metabolism aspect of it (drinking + effexor XR). Unsure how m I can buy, saving for R-Andro and 4-Andro. Here's a study on milk thistle's active ingredient.
Silymarin Accelerates Liver Regeneration after Partial Hepatectomy

 

[MNK99]

It's my bday today and I'm aite. I've had loads of stress filled birthdays, not too bad right now.
Just focusing on money and getting lean. Last year I was confused - and it was the worst year of my life. Never again.

I'm going to cure this nonsense and fuck the entire game up.
My parents and family see I'm improving and are happy when I smile, so that's good.

1st bday in this city since I vanished Christmas 2008... I actually blacked out for maybe the 1st time in my life, on that bday, here.
And woke up with a lot of problems and shady fucking fake friends all around me. The world will understand, you cannot fuck with people like me and
expect them to stay down. They don't need to love me, but they will respect me.

All I want is 10 million dollars for everyday Pharma has cost me. And them to pay for their crimes against humanity. Psychiatry too.
I'll take pennies on the dollar for it, 1million a day. I'm on some Scarface shyt the last 10 years cuz of these mofos.

 

[Niles]

It's my bday today and I'm aite. I've had loads of stress filled birthdays, not too bad right now.
Just focusing on money and getting lean. Last year I was confused - and it was the worst year of my life. Never again.

I'm going to cure this nonsense and fuck the entire game up.
My parents and family see I'm improving and are happy when I smile, so that's good.

1st bday in this city since I vanished Christmas 2008... I actually blacked out for maybe the 1st time in my life, on that bday, here.
And woke up with a lot of problems and shady fucking fake friends all around me. The world will understand, you cannot fuck with people like me and
expect them to stay down.

All I want is 10 million dollars for everyday Pharma has cost me. And them to pay for their crimes against humanity. Psychiatry too.

Happy birthday bro!

 

[MNK99]

1.Thanks man @Niles. Thanks @barbaar, @Chapman, @Admiral and everyone else who wished me a Happy Birthday. I appreciate it guys.

I'll try and keep the anger at a minimum. I actually started dividing journalling/writing/research and notes on my Mac by quarters (Q1, Q2) a couple years ago, and was so messed up, all my notes from last year were in Q4.2016. You can see how damaging this stuff can be to someone that already has some executive function issues.

2. I got my 4-andro and will pair it with R-andro.

 

[barbaar]

It's my bday today and I'm aite. I've had loads of stress filled birthdays, not too bad right now.
Just focusing on money and getting lean. Last year I was confused - and it was the worst year of my life. Never again.

I'm going to cure this nonsense and fuck the entire game up.
My parents and family see I'm improving and are happy when I smile, so that's good.

1st bday in this city since I vanished Christmas 2008... I actually blacked out for maybe the 1st time in my life, on that bday, here.
And woke up with a lot of problems and shady fucking fake friends all around me. The world will understand, you cannot fuck with people like me and
expect them to stay down. They don't need to love me, but they will respect me.

All I want is 10 million dollars for everyday Pharma has cost me. And them to pay for their crimes against humanity. Psychiatry too.
I'll take pennies on the dollar for it, 1million a day. I'm on some Scarface shyt the last 10 years cuz of these mofos.

Happy bday man

 

[MNK99]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Strong Supplements: "Hello MNK99, Ya we suggest Rebirth and K1ngs Blood for optimal recovery during PCT...." -PKGS got here quick, ans to q I asked them:
-REBIRTH (serm which helps reverse and reduce risks of rebound gyno) - http://www.strongsupplementshop.com/rebirth-by-black-lion-research
-K1NGS BLOOD (post cycle therapy taken to help keep gains and restore optimal hormonal balance)- K1ngs Blood by Olympus Labs

 

[Chapman]

Happy Belated Birthday mate

Hope you had a good one

 

[MNK99]

1:00pm, 03.20.2018
-@Chapman yeah it was ok I guess. Worked out, researched, wrote. Should have been making money but it's ok. It was pretty good, but I'm preoccupied and had to go to a dinner, and was constantly checking my phone and had to deal with some work stuff.

-People around me wanted me to relax, but they don't get it. I'm kind of "high-strung" again... it's frikken exhausting. Worse is seeing all the money I could have been making (not just in the past, but yesterday, 3 days ago, 7 days ago, 10 days ago, etc). Just needed one piece of information from someone, I kind of got it, by their "non-answer", but they could have just been straight with me a while ago.

-R-Andro (R-A) and 4-Andro (4-A).
-Spinach + Whey + pink sea salt. Digestive enzymes, no HCL yet maybe 1 at night, as it may lower motivation/cause tiredness. I don't need that!
-I may workout.... need to get there while I'm strong and it's not filled with weirdos. I miss my elitist and 24h private gyms.
-Need to do some other stuff tho...

-Weight: 185.3lb, look leanish.
-Diet: Same --- spinach + protein. Either I workout soon, or I keep it as an alternate day fast, fasting day and have like 700cals. Half a burger, spinach, shake, gelatin.
800-900 cals/75gp, 30gcarbs, 35gfat. 10.30pm.
-Exercise: Rest day.
-4 digestive enzymes, 400mg of R-A and 4-A (Andros) and 1 betaine HCL pill. -Nofap. -Lots of research this week and last.

I'm recompositioning everything now - fitness, vascularity, LBM, health, my accts, and future.

Fitness and diet going forward:
-I may do 3 days of Upper-Lower split (back my strength, some legs, and some isolation).
-AND 2 days of Squats, Deadlift, and Chinups/Bench Press per week - compound lifts only.
-And not much jogging/cardio at all except walking --- and just do 5-10mins and then hit weights hard. The 2 days will be more difficult.
-I'm actually in decent shape mostly, 6 ft 185lb but I got some fat to lose and LBM to increase. Like everything in life I want it yesterday though.
-Spinach +protein. Higher cals on gym days, a lot for one cheat day if need be, less on rest days.

-sleep it's 1, or some equities... but then go to sleep.

 

[Chapman]

Hey man you doing ok? Has your Ru arrived? which site did you order from in the end?

 

[MNK99]

Hey man, ok. Ups and downs (probably not primarily due to pfs).
I may only take 200mg of R-andro and 4-Andro, if it affects mood in a bad way for me.

My ru was either destroyed by UK or CDN customs. But it will be resent thru a different shipper.
I considered other ways to ship/ get around it.

-Update: 1pm or so, Mar 22:
I'll get them to send to US if I can or I'll get it resent - they are willing to do either.
I think I could add dexedrine soon and if I really needed it, lamotrigine also... and the workout supplements, ru486 cycles, etc would make me eventually mostly recover.
-And maybe, the electrolyte protocol too.
-there's a zero chance in hell dexedrine will hurt me past the point of no return. Coffee stopped "cutting it" for me when I was like a teenager. Some of us need stimulants and other meds.
-I'm all for being healthy and all that stuff, but I literally could have made TONS of money last year if I could have just stayed on dex +/- lamotrigine.
-Also I find it way easier to focus, i know this stim stuff.
-Using it in my worst state, yes It would be a far cry from at my peak (in life), but I've yet to begun to peak in my full form.
_demi-god status is not enough for me.

-6pm:
-I look pretty good feel good energy wise, not the best. And relatively lean. I need more LBM to get cut I think. Better digestion today. Fasting most the day.
-I am still somewhat recompositioning I think, after a lot of weight loss many years ago. It's a long battle. I'm 186-188lb today.
-I'm probably still recovering from that surgery too. Although I must be like 80-85% recovered from that, as it was months ago. Not sure.
-More isolation today, less R-Andro and 4-Andro, and both may be helping my mood. Still wish I felt like I did when I was first trying Lamotrigine... and will try some Dex later.
-I may wait until a bit after ru... I really don't think it will make a huge difference. I also don't want to waste it, bc I went from a hefty prescription to another town and it's no refills for that kind of medicine.

-501 messages, holy shyt.